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- Holiday Diet
The following diet is designed to help you cope with the stress, paranoia, depression and delusion that builds during the holidays... Breakfast: * 1/2 grapefruit * 1 slice whole wheat toast * 8 oz. skim milk Lunch: * 4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast * 1 cup steamed spinach * 1 cup herb tea * 1 Oreo cookie Mid-Afternoon snack: * The rest of Oreos in the package * 2 pints Rocky Road ice cream, nuts, cherries and whipped cream * 1 jar hot fudge sauce Dinner: * 2 loaves garlic bread * 4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke * 1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza * 3 Snickers bars Late Evening News: * Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer) RULES FOR THIS DIET: * If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories. * If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda. * When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do. * Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake. * If you fatten up everyone else around you then you look thinner. * Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Examples: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls. * Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage. * Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. * Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and mashed potatoes. * Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color. * Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass. * Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We ALL know how calories like to cling!) REMEMBER! STRESSED spelled backwards=DESSERTS Submitted by Tommy F |
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